So who’s running this show…?

God or The Universe or Who?  Who IS the almighty?  Do I know them? Is it You?  Is it Me?  Years of being bludgeoned with the staff of Christianity, I’m still none the wiser.  My life is falling in shit around me, try as I might, I can’t seem to stop the roller-coaster of events that have almost spiralled out of control. I’m told to ‘keep the faith’, ‘believe’ and they will help me.  Who though?  Who am I supposed to be looking to for help? God? The Angels?

The Angels.  Some say I’m supposed to beg, others I merely have to ask and they will help me.  Should I have to beg?  If these are my guardians through everything, then it should be as clear as the wings on their backs, that I need help no?  They will have been with me for each horrible encounter, each time my spirit broke, for every river I cried, when my heart broke, as it still breaks, and which part of my being sprawled out on the floor, sobbing my heart out in sheer frustration did they not see?  Were they off that day?  Taking a break maybe?  What?  Why do I need to spell out the obvious?

God?  The person who created this world, rules this world and who must be answered to, for everything.  He wears a dress.  No, no actually that’s his son – God is just a great big Head in the sky.  Silly me.  No genitalia so is  assumed to be male, naturally.  Personally, I haven’t a clue – the fact of it being just a giant head is too ‘Wizard of Oz’ for me.  Who’s to know?  We’re just told to live how they want us to until it suits them to do it differently, then they’ll change the rule and we’ll have to do it that way instead, and no, we won’t be entitled to an opinion about it, unless maybe you’re a priest.  Hold on, it’s starting to sound very like the irish government.  No room for politics at this table I think.  Yes, this is starting to sound a little nasty to me also, I should perhaps dig deep for some compassion for the religion that has really only proven to me to be a mass scam (pardon the pun),  that has guaranteed great rewards for being a good, decent person – rewards on earth mind you – that never rarely show themselves, on the contrary, that has been the cause of people I know living a tormented life.  There should be a ‘Trading Descriptions Act’ applicable to it and no harm in sticking a ‘Warning: believing in this crap could kill you‘ hazard warning label on it either.  I am a respectable citizen, I live with no intention of ill-will to others, I’m not out harming people, not stealing, not slandering, just trying to cut out a good and decent life for myself and my children, in the only way I know how which is ‘one day at a time’.  Where are my rewards for decency?   True I don’t attend Mass, because I lost faith in the middle man, which had a knock-on effect on my belief in the big ‘head’ too.  How could the big ‘head’ have allowed it’s ‘staff’ interfere with innocent children?  How could it albeit defend their actions by not punishing them once the crimes were unearthed?  There are a few simple rules we must follow, well several actually – 10 demands commandments to be exact.  Adhering to these, we are promised a great life when we’re dead.  Yes, when we’re dead.  Once we’ve either withered to death, been smashed to pieces in a wreck or eaten alive by disease.  Either way, the end is the same, it’s sure to be a great life.  But the need to go to mass wasn’t written in the stone, so is that the proviso that is never mentioned?  The thing they don’t tell you about?  Yes, you can have a great and content life, of health and happiness and wealth too when you’re dead – BUT – and there always is one, onlyyy if you regularly attend mass and hang off of every single word the not-so-single priest is telling you. Hmmmm…

Are you God?  Could I be God?  Certainly within my own life, I am yes.  I’m not an all-knowing one that gets everything right, I’m more like the black sheep in the family of Gods.  I continue to make apparently stupid choices regardless of my abounding wealth of experience, knowledge and stack of decrees (all achieved with Distinction, I might add), from the ‘School of Hard Knocks’.  So I can’t really be God, can I?  And yet I rule my world.  I navigate the ship that my children and I sail in, across these unbelievably rough seas.  I rule our world.  I rule their world.  I created my world too it seems, therefore I am the ‘Creator’ too.  I create a world, I rule the world, hmmmmmm…  And yet, I can’t get a f***ing handle on it no matter what I do.   Interesting.

I’ve just had a phone cal from my friend.  It’s 3.30.  Here I am talking about Angels, and from that reasonably short conversation, I actually feel like they heard me.  I feel as though they have intervened.  For some reason maybe just being caught unawares, whatever, but I told my friend straight how I have been feeling lately, that I am desperate to make a decision that I have not enough confidence in myself to make anymore.  I don’t feel I had any control over it, it just spilled out.  From the little I gave away, she was able to offer some very sound advice.  I noted how she was able to say the same thing as those who know my situation more and who have been around it longer (although we are friends for many, many years), her words were the same.  How can I not see these things myself?  Or is it that I can, but I cannot undo my ties to them.  The latter I think.   The result of our brief conversation was that we will meet in little more than an hour, have coffee and chat.  Showered and dressed, I will feel somewhat human for a while, even understood.  But, once that is over, I will still have to come back here, to this place, where I have to make all the decisions, and the rules and I will create from them, our world, where the ship I sail with my children, is our life.   Who is god again?

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